Written by Paul HalpernWritten by Paul Halpern
Hiya, Uncle Paul!
Charcoal and Ash, your nephews who were found abandoned in a dark, cold, scary dumpster -- alone, shivering and starving, here...
We are all warm and snuggled in bed, tucked in and waiting for a bedtime story. Please, Uncle Paul, PLEEEAAASE tell us the one about the window, the peanuts, and the "raisins" again! It was the *best* story we ever heard!
What did you do with the raisins exactly? Did Aunt Faye give them to you? What brand of trail mix was that? Were you really hungry that day? Don't they have big, sweet, swell-tasting raisins in Nova Scotia? That was our *favorite* part!!!
Okay, one last time for the newbies...
Back when Muffy was still a little tiny guy, he hadn't mastered the use of his litterbox yet, and used to leave his little poops around on the floor in different places; we had to institute "Poop Patrol", a periodic ritual that involved walking around and collecting these goodies off the floor throughout the apartment.
So, one day I was doing poop patrol with my left hand while also munching on a handful of peanuts from my right hand. So Aunt Faye wasn't involved, beyond appreciating that I was doing this. These, by the way, were unsalted dry-roasted peanuts, which have fewer calories. Unsalted peanuts, incidentally, are very interesting in Canada: under the Goods and Services Tax (GST) law, "prepared" foods are subject to a 7% value-added tax, while "unprepared" foods are not.
The regulations define salted peanuts as prepared foods, but unsalted ones as unprepared--thus (apart from avoiding excess salt) there's a definite financial advantage to buying and consuming unsalted peanuts. One can also, of course, add one's own salt after purchasing the peanuts, although I have found that it tends to fall off of dry-roasted peanuts...
But I digress. As I was proceeding through the bedroom, I decided to open the window to throw the poops out onto the grass. However, since I had both hands full (one with peanuts, one with poops), I needed to free up one hand to do it with. So I quickly tossed the remaining peanuts into my mouth and bit down...
Wrong hand! The next sound Faye heard was sort of like "GAAAKBWAHAHAGAAKBWAHAHA#!^&*^##2&*(AAARGPTUIHAHAHA" as I attempted to laugh, curse, spit, and gag all at once. It was a unique experience for all.
This all happened before we brought Mimi into our family, and when Muffy was still as tiny and cute as you are now. He's at the bridge with Jazz and Velevet and Douggie and Su-Shu and all the others, and I think that he's binkying and chuckling to himself over all of this now.
So that's the story once again. Sweet dreams, little guys. Try to think of a different story next time.
